absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
