I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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