Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He better not be in your backpack
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize