I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
