you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just want to make out with him forever
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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