I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
