Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
