dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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