My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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