The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
