did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize