Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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