I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
