I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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