He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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