I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
