I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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