I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
