my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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