Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She even gives head with a lisp.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
