happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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