I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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