you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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