"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
