he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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