my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
