my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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