I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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