dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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