Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
