I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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