can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
