i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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