Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
