her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
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