Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
