its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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