the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
