I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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