why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
