she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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