he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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