alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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