dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
