At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
