The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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