the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
