My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
