If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
