your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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