I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
