Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
