theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
