Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
