i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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