By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Text me some of your sweat
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
