There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
