Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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